In Biology we had to write an essay on what evolution is NOT and this is what I came up with!!
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Wolly cut his light off, jumped from the switch to his bed in one lunge, managed to swing himself onto the top of his bed and calmly climb into his sheets until he was completely engulfed within his own fortress of cotton. After a few seconds of quiet listening Wolly decided that the coast was clear, he stuck the tip of his nose over the top cover and prayed he had waited long enough for his eyes to adapt to the dark! He cautiously opened his left eye… sure enough he was able to make out the outlines of the objects around his room. Silently Wolly thanked Heavenly Father for keeping him safe on his way to his bed!
Reaching across his bed Wolly searched for his emergency bell, finding that it was there Wolly felt reassured in being able to alert his parents if there were ever danger in his quarters. Wolly convinced himself that he could sleep peacefully for at least the next ten minutes. Before Wolly had time to figure out his next precaution for the night he noticed sheep running across the backs of his eyelids. Getting fuzzier and fuzzier the sheep slowly faded into the distance, Wolly felt himself slowing loosing consciousness, drifting into a heavy sleep.
“Wolly the worrier!! Wolly the worrier!!” Wolly stood in front of his entire class for a Biology project on evolution while they chanted his hated nickname. Getting uncomfortable Wolly pulled out his germ-x in a nervous reflex and started sterilizing his hands and arms. His teacher sensed the tension and asked the class to settle down. Wolly began his presentation using a personal example. As shy as Wolly might seem he willingly began to explain to the class one of his adventures he experienced in his room one night at home:
“Brace yourself my classmates, I am being very honest. One night in bed I saw a monkey who tried to attack me I am sure!
He jumped and jumped but all in vain! His short little arms were no match for my height! Upset and enraged he creped away to the darkness where he disappeared! Luckily I had set precautions and was on the very top bunk!
This sly creature spared no time, he waited only one single night and to my horrors he returned! Amazed I looked in awe; his arm had grown an amazing length! Off balance he darted towards my bed that night, pointing at me and positively foaming at the mouth!
I was a knight on my horse in a joust without my pole; I hoped I wouldn’t die tonight! I considered my fortress, calculated my chances, and realized my serious problem!
How could I have been so naïve? I should have considered this a problem but astonished I have failed; now I am at the mercy of this vile intruder! Where is my bell?
I flung my arm with lightening speed to my parental alarm! I know only my left eye was open but I saw what I saw! The very same monkey from the night before only this time his left arm was double its length!
Accepting my fate I pasted my eyes on the invader, not surprisingly he charged towards me and grabbed me firm, his arms were tight around me!
I’m being attacked I managed to yell before I was dragged to the ground! He pulled me out of my bunk, and as I fell I reminded myself to breath!
I must have been knocked unconscious, that’s the only conclusion that I can come to, I have considered every angle and I’m always pointed to this answer!
The classic story of evolution is not my theory and I bet you thought it was! In fact the classic isn’t the case at all, and trust me I would know!
Evolution takes too long and this monkey grew in hours, this is what evolution is not and in this statement I am sure! Individual organisms do not evolve!
Evolution is merely change and everything evolves. Populations are considered evolved when they inherit genetic information.
Evolution is not a quick thing, proving all my theories wrong, I read my books and studied my stats I know what I am saying!
One generation to the next, the difference in alleles, the small changes are considered evolution, not this, oh no indeed!
Yes he might have a common ancestor but there was no gradual state of deviance!
Mutation, genes, natural selection, adaptation, genetic drift, inheritance, the diversity of life, he has none of these things!
Change in genetic composition over time through successive generations, resulting from natural selection, ending with a new species just doesn’t make sense! I have checked and checked and am positively right!
I’ve established a conclusion and have come to believe I’m right! That monkey didn’t grow to reach my bed!
I know this might be hard to believe, I am never wrong of course, but this one time I’ll accept my fault, I’ve accepted that I was wrong.
My theory is a diagnosis and is somewhat of a surprise but the real problem is here with me, it is I, I have OCD!”
